“Eating and sleeping are the only activities that should be allowed to interrupt a man’s enjoyment of his cigar.” ~Mark Twain

Mark Twain (Nov 30, 1835 - Apr 21, 1910) [aka, “Samuel Clemens”]

Brand: Cigars, Pipes

Fame: Author

The witty cigar-smoking codger of an old man, who incidentally happened to have authored “The Great American Novel”, truly needs no introduction. His timeless quotes and takeaways are so catchy and poignant that they’re often misattributed to other authors and faces of renown. Despite his cutting political satire and brutal honesty, Twain was welcomed by presidents, peasants, and royalty—all!

“It has always been my rule never to smoke when asleep, and never to refrain when awake.” ~Mark Twain

Twain smoked in such quantities, that his wife’s sister would room him in a separate guest house that was on their land.. . and nowhere near the main house. He spent his latter years in conversation with Nikola Tesla in the laboratory, and later perished under the same auspice that he was born under—the passing of Halley’s Comet around the Earth.

• See also: Mark Twain Project dot Org
• More Mark Twain [Here on Burn as One]
• Illustration credit: Modified by Kantiki from the original painting by James Carroll Beckwith, and using smoke brushes by Falln-Stock

Name: Tank Girl (AKA, “Patron Saint of Parties”, “Patron Saint of Smoking”, “Sex on Treads”, etc.) (AKA, AKA, AK-47!) 

Motto: Have tank will travel

Taken?: No, Tankie does the taking. ..

Pets?: That’d be Booga

BFF?: Fuck that sheit… Campie’s dead

Fathers: Jamie Hewlett & Alan Martin

Mother: None

Politics: Alcohol, Tobacco, Heavy Weaponry

When traveling through Spain in 2002, it really hit me how far Tank Girl’s influence has spread throughout the world! I found graffiti of her all over Spain, including on bulletin boards, storefronts, and subways. There was even a museum exhibit dedicated to her in Madrid. This, by the way, was smack dab in the middle of the time when it looked like Tankie’s storyline was dead… that the world would be forever without the most awesome alcoholic, tankhopping, chain-smoking ass kicker it had ever known. The influence this campie rogue bounty hunter wields is nothing less than the inspiration and empowerment of at least two generations. Now, after more than a decade in what seemed oblivion… . Tankie’s back. . Booga’s back. . and at least one of the original creators from Team Tankie (Alan Martin) is on-deck and manning the guns.

What is “Grrr Power”? You deserve to be shot. If you need someone to do the guesswork for you, you can call it girl power, or gear power, or think along the lines of “I haz a rawr” …you’ll be headed in the right direction. Enough yapping, check out the main site for real info from the source itself!

• More about Tank Girl [Tank Girl dot Com]
• More Tank Girl art [Here on Burn as One]
• Illustration credit: Tank Girl Beerrific Shot by The Madcore

For entertainment purposes only. Tankie’s creators ain’t been informed of this, ergo they’ve not endorsed one drip of this enjoyable drivel.

Denis Leary (born Aug 18, ‘57) [aka, “The Pres”]

Brand: Marlboro Reds

Fame: Actor & Comedian

I have a personal issue with the Pres… ya see… I love him. I laugh myself stupid watching his skits. But he straight up stole from Bill Hicks… and that’s just fucked up. Nonetheless, Denis Leary is a true legend within the smoking community… ‘n I’d be doing the world a disservice to exclude him here.

Leary’s energetic and aggressive (often angry) approach to comedy carves out his unique territory on the stage within seconds of hearing him start up. His rants are almost as legendary as his chain smoking… burning thru one Marlboro Red after another while on stage. In a utopian world, Leary would make the perfect press secretary… if not the president himself.

• The main site: Denis Leary dot Com
• More Denis Leary [Here on Burn as One]

“Me, I’m dishonest, and you can always trust a dishonest man to be dishonest. Honestly, it’s the honest ones you have to watch out for…” ~Captain Jack Sparrow

Johnny Depp (born June 9, 1963)

Brand: Bali Shag Rollies

Fame: Actor

The pirate, himself, began smoking at the age of twelve. It’s said he rolls Bali Shag in licorice-flavored papers these days. As the decline in piracy has been linked to the increase in global warming [link], the world is fortunate to have this inspirational icon bringing piracy back in a big way. Captain Jack Sparrow is worth possibly a hundred of your average pirates… and he’s made a single-handed dent in global warming greater than most countries have even attempted.

There’s little need to list Johnny’s experience in Hollywood. He is… what we’d call.. . a “rock star”. He’s also politically outspoken, adaptable to many roles, and he’s hands-down one of the sexiest goddamned peeps on the planet. Bestuff held a pole on who was the best looking smoker [link]. With 1358 votes, Johnny Depp easily took first… with Jude Law in second at 99 votes. No contest.

• More info on Johnny Depp [Here on Wikipedia]
• Drawing credit: Thubakabra [CC BY-NC-ND 3.0]
• More Johnny Depp [Here on Burn as One]

Smoking 15 cigars a day… for 100 years.

George Burns (Jan 20, 1896 - Mar 9, 1996) [aka, “God”]

Brand: El Producto Cigars

Fame: Actor, Singer, Comedian

Yes, even God smoked. In fact, he smoked 15 cigars a day, lived a hundred years, and was put in the grave by the likes of Frank Sinatra. He’s now ashing on us all from back up in Heaven… having left his body back down here on Earth.

For the 2k balldrop, my friend Marf ‘n I found ourselves in New York City… living homeless on the streets. One of the places we found shelter at was Nat Sherman’s on 5th Avenue. We crashed in the smoking lounge on their second floor. On one of those ventures, I took a trip down the hallway (just outside the humidor) and found a note they’d framed from George Burns. It was a reply he’d sent them, turning down their offer to switch brands… because they just couldn’t meet his prices. They’d framed it nonetheless. Afterall, it’s George-Fucking-Burns! (sending belated thanks to Nat Shermans for hosting us)

God’s brand was El Producto. He found that Producto’s didn’t go out while he was on stage, and consequently turned down many alternatives because of this. That meant he didn’t have to relight ‘em and didn’t have to interrupt a comedy skit to do so. Smart man, that “God” guy is. Good peep! The world is a better place ‘cuz of this guy.

• For more on The Man, himself, check out George Burns dot Com
• More info on George Burns [here on Wikipedia]
• More George Burns [Here on Burn as One]
• Demotivator credit: George Burns Poster by Tatsumi67

“A prayer for the wild at heart, kept in cages.”
~Tennessee Williams (tattooed on Jolie’s left arm)

Angelina Jolie (born June 4, 1975) [aka, “The Goddess”]

Brand: Unknown

Fame: Actress

Tis the season to be Jolie! No? Anyone?

…moving on…

I can’t tell you how many die-hard heterosexual women I know who say they wouldn’t say “no” to an advance by Angelina Jolie… ever. You’d be hard pressed to find a single human who wouldn’t empathize with that statement. When the greater forces got together and decided to make this whole “Earth” thing we’ve got going on here, Angelina was put in the design to remind everyone that this universe wasn’t just some random act of chaos. At least… that’s how the story goes.

It was a sad day for the world when Angelina quit smoking. I haven’t even been able to track down what brand she smoked. Nonetheless, the Goddess goes down in the archives as a rebel, a legend, and a true icon for smokers to look up to.

The anti-smoking movement is just another way… another medium… for the dead, who slowly decay in their downtown skyrisers, to tame those of us who are “the living”. Funny, as they fear their own death… and that is the source of their decay… while we celebrate death… and that is the source of our life.

• More about Angelina Jolie [Here on Wikipedia]
• More Angeline Jolie [Here on Burn as One]

Sure, I can get up at dawn… go to a job I hate… that does not inspire me creatively whatsoever… for the rest of my life. OR… I can wake up at noon and learn how to play the sitar.” ~Bill Hicks

Bill Hicks (Dec 16, 1961 - Feb 26, 1994) [aka, “The Prophet”]

Brand: Marlboro Lights

Fame: Comedian

Bill Hicks was one part comedian, one part preacher. His name is gold in Austin, Texas… and his fame spread from one person to another across Northern Europe. He lived out loud… sometimes very loud… and I didn’t always agree with him… but his passion is infectious. He fought for drugs, civil rights and raged against the system that tries (even now) to brand us all as products… or as gears within a machine.

“Don’t worry, don’t be afraid — ever! — because this… is just a ride” ~Bill Hicks

On the 25th of February in 2004, the UK Parliament took a moment to recognize the life of Bill Hicks on the tenth anniversary of his death, stating: “That this House notes with sadness the 10th anniversary of the death of Bill Hicks, on 26th February 1994, at the age of 33; recalls his assertion that his words would be a bullet in the heart of consumerism, capitalism and the American Dream; and mourns the passing of one of the few people who may be mentioned as being worth of inclusion with Lenny Bruce in any list of unflinching and painfully honest political philosophers.” [ref]

• Required YouTube views: The Story of Bill Hicks, Smokers and Non-smokers, On Drugs
• For more info, visit Bill Hicks dot Com
• More information on Bill Hicks [Here on Wikipedia]
• More posts with Bill Hicks [Here on Burn as One]
• Demotivator credit: Demotivational Poster by ~deanreevesii

Johnny Cash + The Johnny Cash Project - Ain’t No grave

(via thegenerallyokaygatsby)